I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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