I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
