My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
