the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
