smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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