I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
