My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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