Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
