4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have fence marks all over my body
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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