You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
