Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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