I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
