i need an iv and a liver transplant
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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