drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
