how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
