I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
