I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
