corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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