every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
