Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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