Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
