Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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