the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
