Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
