The best revenge is premature balding
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
