Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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