Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
