apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
