i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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