Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
