Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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