You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
