I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
