whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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