Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
