Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
