I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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