I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
