he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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