the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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