I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
