If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The best revenge is premature balding
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
