Just fell off a train. Bad.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
