Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
