the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
