Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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