Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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