I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
