Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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