I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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