I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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