I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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