This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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