Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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